A wobble.

I thought I was handling my imminent return to work really well. I did get a bit twitchy at Christmas, but decided the way to proceed was to enjoy the time I had and make sure I made the most of it.

I have.

Me and the little one have been to meet new mums and babies, we have been to new places including Norfolk and the Lake District, have done lots of singing and dancing and had lots of lovely times with Daddy and big brother and all the grandmas and Grandads. So far so good.

Then, I watched Stella (Sky 1). It's a lovely programme, about a mum of three, with the delightful Ruth Jones. We watched the last episode last night, which had some surprises and some wonderful moments. But, at the end (spoiler alert) Stella's son leaves to go and live in Canada. And that set me off! My baby will still be living in the same house as me and so will his dad and brother, but for some reason it struck a chord. Cue blubbing. I did a professional job too, no snuffles, but full on snot filled, red nosed, waterworks.

What I was most upset about was not having that time with the baby when we are just 'being', playing or singing or going shopping and the smiles he gives me and the gurgling he does. It's not like he isn't going to be able to do that anymore, I will see it all the time, but I just won't see it all day. I am having to deal with the concept that when I go back to work, he isn't going to disappear, I will just see him less, so need to enjoy that time instead.
It is a bit like I am grieving for that time now, so hopefully when it happens I will be almost over it.

At least I am in touch with my feelings - we have regular 1-2-1 time together - and I can let them out rather than bottling them up and waiting for the explosion.

When I had my first son, I went back to work when he was five months old. With his baby brother, I have got a month more and that is great. With number one son, I wanted to get back to work and start using my brain again and be with grown ups. This time I am using my brain (after a fashion) with my blog and I have spent quite a lot of time with adults. But, I have started to remember that going to work did give me that sense of who I am. That I am not just a mum and that I have other purposes. I am a working woman with friends who likes shopping and running and reading and drinking! And a mum.
I love my job, it gives me huge satisfaction. It is what I always wanted to do. I didn't really want children. Not for a long time. Now I have both and love them both, I just have to find that balance. And I think me working will mean I am happier in the long run, which has to be good for my family. And I hope I can be a good role model to my children. Firstly, showing them that working is a great thing and you can enjoy having a challenging job and secondly, that women work and are equal in society and in the workplace.

All of this hard thinking came about thanks to another mummy's blog. Atwentysomethingmum was writing about feeling like being more than just a mum and it helped me to look again at my feelings and reframe them and start to deal with them. And it has really helped. I started blogging to write about jolly stuff, like cake and coffee, but ultimately it has helped me deal with a really difficult niggle. For that I am hugely grateful.

http://atwentysomethingmum.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/person-behind-parent-label.html?m=1